The Therapy Session
by Kitsune-Chan 8
Summary: The Merovingian goes to therapy, but can he trust his doctor? NOW: A vain attempt at group therapy.
1. Prologue

Standard Apology. This came to me during a bout of insomnia.  
  
The Therapy Session  
  
Armand Bruno Aikanaka Kurohoshi del Rio de Sangre, alias The Merovingian, lord of the criminal underworld of the Matrix, husband of Persephone and master of about 2,000 minions of various "talents," slumped petulantly in the back of his stretch Escalade limo. It had been Persephone's idea for him to endure the help of a therapist after several startling episodes where in a stress-induced rage he had shot at a handful of his henchpeople. Not having the right ammunition for the job he had not actually killed them, but still these bouts of uncharacteristic violence were disturbing. In the back of his mind The Merovingian thought that perhaps therapy would be a good idea, but he would never admit out loud, for he knew that Persephone would hold it over his head for months.  
  
As the limo slogged through the midday traffic towards the therapist's building, The Merovingian wondered what this therapist would be like. From what he had been told, the man was very experienced in treating all manner of psychiatric annoyances, and he assured the utmost confidence. "He had better," he thought, "I would hate to have to kill such a purportedly skilled doctor over a breach in doctor-patient trust."  
  
Ten minutes later The Merovingian arrived in front of the office building. He was led in by an attractive secretary ("Blast! I do not have any pastries with me!" he thought ruefully) and was told to wait while the doctor finished up with another patient. While he waited, Armand (which I will be calling him from now on because it's getting annoying to write in the whole title) took the time to assess the doctor's taste. "Not bad, he almost has as much style as me..." His thoughts were interrupted when the door opened and a smooth voice said, "Ah, Mr. ... Merovingian. Forgive my lateness, but my last patient was being... difficult. Shall we begin?"  
  
The doctor had arrived. He was rather nondescript and slightly bald, but he also possessed an apparently expensive taste in clothes. There was a small red stain on the doctor's otherwise immaculate white shirt, but this surely wasn't any of Armand's business.  
  
"Certainly, Dr. Fell."  
  
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Author's notes: So shall I continue? If anyone reads this maybe I'll write a second chapter. What would "Dr. Fell" and The Merovingian (nee Armand) talk about, anyway? 


	2. One

Authors notes: Goodness, some ppl. actually reviewed! Wow, thank you! The story is going to be more of a cat-and-mouse game of wits between the Mero and "Dr. Fell," but I will mention the Twins later on! This takes place in another version of the matrix so Neo hasn't even been born yet.  
  
Regarding Mero's name: Aikanaka is Hawaiian for "man eater" (cannibal) and Kurohoshi is Japanese for (lit.) "black star." I gave him a name because it was getting annoying writing out "the Merovingian" all the time. "Dr. Fell" is a popular character from the movie "Hannibal" *cough* Dr. Lecter *cough*  
  
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"Dr. Fell" seated himself in a plush-looking chair opposite from Armand, alias The Merovingian. "I would like to help you, Mr. Merovingian, to overcome these bouts of stress-induced viol-" "Excuse me doctor, but if I may, I would like to make one thing clear." Dr. Fell appeared to be slightly affronted by The Merovingian's rudeness, but allowed him to continue. "Yes, what is it?" "All I ask of you is the utmost confidence. That means whatever is said in this room stays in this room, do I make myself clear?" The doctor stared at his patient for a moment. "Perfectly. Now it seems to me that there is much stress in your life at the moment, though I do not know the exact cause of it. From your file-" "I have a *file*? Since when do I have a file?" "Please. Every patient of mine has a file. As I was about to say, according to your file you are married. What can you tell me about your wife?"  
  
Armand thought silently for a moment. He considered telling the doctor the truth: "I met my wife Persephone some 654 earth years ago when we were first exiled. She had been in charge of experiments regarding human emotions, and I with the running of various maintenance programs," but instead, thinking that his therapist didn't need a severely schizophrenic (though very powerful) patient, he opted for a more believable half-truth mixed in with a few lies: "Well, doctor, I met my wife about ten years ago. It was a whirlwind romance, and we were married about a month later. We were very young and idealistic. Lately, I must confess, we do not talk all that much and I have been given to little... innuendos from time to time."  
  
The good doctor frowned. Even though only a few minutes had passed, he had already come to dislike the man sitting before him. "Perhaps I should pay him a house-call," he thought to himself. Out loud he said "It seems that you have not been paying attention to your wife as of late. From what I can gather, though she is a highly desirable woman you are beginning to take her for granted. Tell me, why would that be?" "Tell *me,* Dr. Fell, why would any of this information regarding my wife be of any use to finding out the reason for my stress? She is the least of my worries! My main worry is Armita-"  
  
Armand immediately shut up. To get into any conversation, especially with such a keenly intuitive human about Armitage, the current "One," was dangerous. A thought struck him: Was this "Dr. Fell" even human? He was shocked at himself for not thinking of this sooner. Of course, it was so obvious now: the man might know so much about human instincts and psychosis because he had been programmed to do so. As Dr. Fell asked who or what "Armita" was, Armand discreetly scanned the doctor's code. To his immeasurable relief, the good doctor registered as a human.  
  
"Ah, pardonne?" "I asked, who is this 'Armita' you mentioned," said Dr. Fell with a small grin on his face. "Ah. Armita... is... *was*... my mistress... but she's become a stalker. I have had to get a restraining order against her." He cast a sideways glance at Dr. Fell. "That is all..." For just a moment, Dr. Fell's expression looked strange. Armand could not quite describe it, but he had seen that same odd look somewhere else. "Ah, but it is nothing," he thought to himself, "Perhaps the doctor has not met someone as decadent as I. Besides, what could a mere human do against me?"  
  
"What indeed," thought Dr. Fell, "What indeed..." 


	3. Two

Author's Notes: To Matrix Refugee: "Lambert Meroveque/Meroveck," that's a cool name, wish I knew/thought of that; impressive, I wouldn't have the patience (or the nerve) to do that much research... wow.  
  
As stated before: The Merovingian's first name is Armand, his therapist's name is "Dr. Fell" *cough* Hannibal *cough,* this takes place before Neo is born, and the current One is someone named "Armitage."  
  
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Dr. Fell jotted a few things down on his notepad. Even though less then fifteen minutes had passed, he could already tell that his patient was an incurable sociopath given to delusions of grandeur, serial unfaithfulness, violence, and, most unforgivably, he was extremely rude. This would have to be dealt with later on, perhaps during one of the good doctor's more "creative," personalized sessions, but for the moment the patient's mental health was the more pressing issue. As he perused Armand's file, he happened to glance at the man's address. Interesting...  
  
"It says here you own a large mansion-" "Château." "-in the mountains. I assume that since you live in such a large mansion-" "Château." " *...Château,* you undoubtedly have a large staff. Do you suppose that any of them may be the cause of your undue stress?" Armand considered this question and said point-blank, "How much time do you have?" "All the time in the world, Mr. Merovingian." Armand did not catch the sarcasm and began musing out loud about his staff.  
  
"Where do I begin? Well, I have a current staff of about 300 who live in various parts of the 'ouse, though I plan on recruiting more, of course. The rest of my minions, er, employees, are situated in various places within the City. I have a few who are my personal bodyguards, as does Persephone, though she does not have as many as me-Which is not to say that she's less protected, it is just that she chooses to have fewer bodyguards, though I cannot imagine why. Invariably, my slav- er, bodyguards mess up from time to time... Did you hear about that government building that blew up about two weeks ago, Dr. Fell?" "Yes-" "Well that wasn't them. But that 'memorable' car chase afterwards, the one that went from downtown to five miles out to sea... I swear, those two..." "Which two, who? Two of your bodyguards?" asked Dr. Fell quizzically. Armand sighed. "They are my best assas- errr, bodyguards, but they cause so much trouble sometimes I occasionally wonder whether it would be better if I... let them take an extended vacation... "  
  
He cast a sideways glance at Dr. Fell. "Would you like to meet them?"  
  
An evil grin from Kitusne-Chan: Muahahahaha! Cliffhanger! =^_^= The TFA (Twins' Fan-girl Army) is already crouched in attack formation (fortunately for the Twins, Kitsune-Chan has a giant net attached to a rocket gun). 


	4. One AND Two

While Armand the Merovingian was busy annoying his therapist (a board certified psychiatrist specializing in "interesting" crime lords) his two favorite bad-ass pimp-daddy albino assassins/chauffeurs were back at the Château playing their favorite movie game, "Mystery Science Theater 3000" with Persephone, Vlad, Cujo, Miro (the Vamp-in-white, Persephone's handmaiden/confidant). Twin One was about to deride the Men in Black ("You might make that look good, but *I'd* make that look bloody *great*!") when his cell phone went off.  
  
"'P-I-M-P' by 50 Cent... that's me, hold on. Excuse me Milady..." The others rolled their eyes as One phased to another room. "Hello? Oh, hello Master... What? Oh... okay... we'll be there in a sec. Yes, yes, 'you are the ruler of everything,' Master... right... Good-bye."  
  
One phased back to the TV room and nudged his twin. "What is it? Does the Master want us?" asked Two with a disappointed look; he always did enjoy mocking the MIBs. "Yes, apparently he thinks that it would do him some good with his therapy if his doctor meets with us." Persephone looked up, slightly affronted. "What about me?! I'm the one who suggested therapy in the first place! Did my husband mention me at all?" One looked very uncomfortable as he spoke: "Er, Milady, no, he didn't... Perhaps they have not discussed you yet...." Persephone looked put out by that statement. "Hmph! Well, it doesn't matter, not yet, anyway. Are you going there now?" "Yes, Milady," said Two, getting out his skeleton key (the key to the backdoor halls). "Good, I am going with you!" Miro, One, and Two looked a bit shocked. "What?! B-but the Master did not ask for you!," said Miro, "And besides, I don't think that doctor is a couples therapist!"  
  
Persephone smiled indulgently at her handmaiden. "Do not worry about me. Besides, in the presence of an outside witness, perhaps we may get some progress done with our little troubles." Miro was not as confident as her mistress, but gathered up their things anyway.  
  
Cujo and Vlad were both upset. "So you're all just going to leave us here, right in the middle of the movie?" whined Vlad. One groaned. "In case you weren't listening, the *Master* has just summoned us. Deal with it, unless you want to go *You-Know-Where* again." All the goons present shuddered at the memory of "You-Know-Where," a ghastly torture chamber inspired by the "Neither-Neither World" from a "Beetlejuice" cartoon. The mere memory of the horrid baby blue and pink uniforms they were forced to wear was enough to make them think twice about disobeying any of their Masters' orders. Persephone grinned; "You-Know-Where" was one of her husband's rare, very amusing ideas, particularly when the Merovingian himself had gotten "accidentally" locked in by Persephone after a night of "swapping cake recopies." "Er, all right, we'll just finish the movie when you guys get back," said Cujo sheepishly.  
  
"So, shall we be off?" said Persephone brightly, but with an edge in her voice. There was slight pause from her minions. "Yes, Milady," chorused three voices, two of them indistinguishable.  
  
Next: Session, Interrupted...  
  
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Author's Notes: About Miro, the Vamp-in-white: actual gender unknown, the Vamp-in-white is the short, Asian goon who's the last to get "killed" by Neo in the Châteaux fight. For some reason I like casting her as Persephone's personal bodyguard/handmaiden/confidant. Since she's a minor character and probably not going to be in Revolutions, she is whatever I say she is; if she wasn't, then why would I say she is (in the paper, the news... ok I'll stop).  
  
"The Neither-Neither World" is from "Beetlejuice." It's kind of the anti- Hades; instead of black fire, noxious brimstone, and prancing devils with pitchforks you get pretty pink clouds and happy widdle fluffy bunny- wunnies. Scary, ain't it??  
  
"Mystery Science Theater 3000" is... What?! You're a humor fanfic reader and you don't know what MST3K is?! Just kidding! OW! I said I was kidding! Ouch... anyway, MST3K is a show about a guy and 2 robots who are stuck on a satellite and forced to watch really bad sci-fi movies. To alleviate their torture, the 3 make snide and really, really hilarious comments throughout the movie. Too freakin' funny, but like "The Sifl and Ollie Show" (ROCK!) it went away to that great cable channel in the sky...  
  
All credit for the Twins being "Bad-ass, pimp-daddy assassins" and the best version of "You-Know-Where" goes to Eyana and her most excellent fanfic, "Patience." 


	5. Four

"Er, I say, what was that you were using?" "Pardon?" Armand noticed that Dr. Fell had a puzzled look on his face after he had finished his phone call. "I mean, what sort of device was that, that thing you called your bodyguards with?" Even more confusion from Armand: "What...? OH, you mean *this*..." He looked at the tiny cell phone in his hand. "Oh shnap..." He had forgotten that according to the Matrix it was only 1993 and cell phones of that type had not even been dreamt of yet. "Er... It is a prototype. Yes, that's it doctor. It's a prototype cellular phone/pager from Japan! They make things so unbelievably small there... Eh heh, crazy things, technology, getting smarter, er, *smaller* all the time!" ^_^;  
  
For some truly bizarre reason, this seemed to satisfy the good doctor. "After all," Dr. Fell reasoned to himself, "He is a very well connected figure in the crime world of this City. No doubt he would have access to advanced technology..." Figuring that it would be a while before Armand's two efficient but rather frustrating bodyguards arrived, Dr. Fell started addressing the rather touchy subject of Armand's childhood. Armand seemed very hesitant to discuss that part of his past, the reason being that he never *was* a child; he had been created fully grown with an already advanced IQ (though his EQ would leave much to be desired).  
  
As Armand began to dance around the subject of his parents ("Wellll... I do not remember my father, and my mother... er... she is a blur in my memory as well..."), there was a frantic knock at the door. "Dr. Fell!" called the doctor's secretary, "A group of people just showed up! The lady said they are with your patient!" A muffled voice sailed over the secretary's: "I am no *lady,* I am his wife!"  
  
Armand looked stunned (kind of like this: '_'; or this: o_O;) as he muttered, "'SEPHONE?! (Various things in French, most of them not very nice)?! Doctor, if you please, I would like to step outside for just a moment..." "Of course," said Dr. Fell obligingly.  
  
As his most peculiar patient left the room to argue with his entourage, Dr. Fell took the time to contemplate Armand. In addition to the delusions of grandeur, the adultery, and the RUDENESS, Armand Bruno Aikanaka Kurohoshi del Rio de Sangre (who for unknown reasons liked to be called The Merovingian) appeared to be a psychological mess. He had severely suppressed childhood memories, indicative of acute traumatic abuse and he was also a control freak, keeping close tabs on his bodyguards and his wife at all times while simultaneously ignoring them. With his keen observation skills, Dr. Fell also deduced that Armand felt that he was owed everything that had happened to make him the influential and feared person he was today. "I think when we're back to a one-on-one session I shall verbally rip him to shreds... and maybe prescribe some Prozac."  
  
Meanwhile, out in the waiting room, Dr. Fell's secretary cowered behind her desk as a confrontation began between Armand and his wife...  
  
Next: Group Therapy  
  
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Author's notes: EQ means Emotional IQ, sort of. Example: while Mero is indeed brilliant with schemes, planning things, etc., the neglect of his wife and total disregard for other ppl shows how emotionally shallow he is... 


	6. Five

"What are you doing here 'Sephone? I did not ask for you to come here, your presence is not needed now!" Armand was furious but tried to keep his temper in check so he would not try to impulsively shoot somebody again. "I came here to talk about us! You called One and did not mention me!" said Persephone loud enough so that the people in the other offices of the building could hear her. "What?! Is that all? 'Sephone, you are fine! You are not the one in therapy! This has nothing to do with you!" Persephone's eyes narrowed. "Nothing to do with me, my love? I think that this has a lot to do with me! Why did you call the Twins but not me?!"  
  
Armand rolled his eyes in frustration. "I told Dr. Fell that they were causing me great stress and I thought it would be a good thing if he met them. You are not causing me stress (he lowered his voice to a whisper so that the frightened secretary hiding behind her desk could not hear him) it is Armitage and her 'La Resistance' ilk who are causing me stress; it is that blasted Fortune-teller and her riddling talk that is causing me stress; it is those stupid Agents and their human counterparts poking their noses where they don't belong that is causing me stress; it is THOES TWO-" He pointed at the Twins, who cringed slightly "-constantly BLOWING UP THINGS causing me stress, but not you!"  
  
Unfortunately for him, this did little to pacify his wife. "The only reason that I do not cause you any stress is because you always ignore me! Every time we go out to dinner, some La Puta sitting two tables away gets a free dessert and then you disappear for a half hour, and I have had it!" She turned to Dr. Fell's secretary. "You there! Tell your boss that we are all coming in now!" (Secretary: "Wah!")  
  
A second later, everybody except for Miro (who decided that it was in her better interest to wait outside) was assembled in Dr. Fell's office.  
  
Dr. Fell glanced about the strange group now assembled in the room. "Well," he said as cheerfully as he could manage, "How about we introduce ourselves? Armand, I already know you so how about you miss-" "*MRS.* I am Persephone, Armand's wife whom he conveniently forgets whenever we are in a restaurant that serves devil's food cake." "'Sephone, that is not true! I never-" "Oh be quiet!" Persephone snapped. "Those other two-" she gestured at the Twins "- Well, they're only known by their code names, One and Two." One had a sort of nervous grin on his face while Two desperately wished that he was back in the waiting room reading his copy of "Gun Fancy" or "Creative Tortures Weekly." (Author's note: "Patience" by Eyana ROCKS!)  
  
"How can you tell them apart?" asked Dr. Fell. "We don't," said Armand and Persephone at the same time. One and Two looked at each other, a little insulted. "Ah... right. Anyhow, Armand was telling me how you, er, Twins cause him stress." The Twins looked at their master, shocked at the accusation. "Master, do you really think we cause you stress?" asked One. "Well, you two don't have the best record where bringing back vehicles in one piece is concerned. I swear, if I didn't have the ability to just progr- er, *order* a new car whenever I pleased you two would have been fired after the third car chase!" Two looked hurt. "But Master, that last, er, thing was not my fault, it was Armitage and her do-gooder ilk!" "Silence!" Armand cast a warning glare at his two minions, but fortunately Dr. Fell still didn't comprehend who Armitage was. "You were ordered to chase after the, ah, woman?" said the doctor quizzically. "Let's not get into that now, doctor, not now."  
  
The fact that Armand seemed so flustered whenever the name "Armitage" was mentioned was greatly amusing to the doctor, considering that this name elicited no reaction from his wife. And what a woman his wife was... Dr. Fell sighed. "Idiot," he thought to himself, "Chasing after mere mortal women when you are married to a goddess."  
  
"Demigoddess," muttered Armand softly, now wishing he had never summoned his two minions.  
  
* * * * *  
  
The conversation meandered in awkward circles for a while. Since they weren't sure of what information they could speak of in front of the doctor, One chose to act very secretive while Two acted excessively open to the point of hysterics. "...so you don't know why your, er, 'Master,' persists in to send all those young ladies cakes?"  
  
"No. Nope, no idea. Not a clue."  
  
"Well I certainly do know, mate! He simply adores sending beautiful women pastries! It's practically a fetish with him!"(Armand: o_O;;)  
  
It went like that. Finally, Armand decided that the Twins would not really contribute to the session so he told them to go outside and wait. "And use the door, don't be so lazy!" Relived to be out of the room, the Twins and Miro left the building and went for a walk... to Nocturne Alley (the jewelry store there was having a sale on monogrammed rings).  
  
And now there were three.  
  
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Author's notes:  
  
I have no idea how Armand and Dr. Fell are able to read each other's minds; clearly there's more to the good doctor that meets the eye *cough, cannibal, cough*.  
  
Persephone (the "real" one) *was* a goddess: her mom was goddess of plants and her dad was Zeus (I think).  
  
The description of the Twins' odd behavior is taken from the chapter on Men in Black in "The Big Book of the Unexplained" (Agents! In HATS! Agents in hats who don't know how to use PENS, FORKS, or FOOD!! And they ALL look like you-know-who!).  
  
Nocturne Alley is "Knock-turn Alley" from Harry Potter; Miro'd better watch out which rings she buys... 


End file.
